Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

September Fails

I'm not being fair to myself. By not blogging here, I am trying to pretend like this part of me does not exist. One cannot ignore a child crying for attention or a tornado approaching. One post a day starting in October. Weight check every Friday. Must. Must. MUST. Must get back on track, must take control and be who I am.
I cannot ignore myself any longer.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Rainy Tuesday

I'm lost here, in a limbo state between being okay and being not okay. I haven't quite decided which way the scales will tip. I'm terrified of the choice. It seems so final, like a gavel announcing the end of a trail. All I wanted was to be skinny. All I wanted was people to look at me and smile and be my friends.
Doomed from the start.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

September 3rd, 2:41 pm

Animal crackers and peanut butter; dangerous combination of fat and carbs. I shouldn't have even opened this bag but now that I have, I can't stop.
All I've been trying to do this past week seems to not matter. No matter how much paperwork I do, or how far ahead I read in my books, when it comes time to see results, I have none.
Boyfriend took me back after three days of saying what a horrible person I am. All I wanted to do was scream 'I KNOW THIS. I'VE BEEN LIVING WITH MYSELF FOR ALMOST 21 YEARS. I KNOW HOW BAD OF A PERSON I AM'. He hasn't forgiven me fully for taking a week off our relationship and fucking HIM but maybe in time he will. If not...
128 lbs and it isn't budging on the scale.
I've been eating so much because PT has me so hungry all day long. Being hungry sucks. Good news is that starting next week, I'll be taking 19 hours and won't have time to think about food for most of the day. I gotta study. I HAVE to be perfect.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011


Running seams to define my life right now. I'm running at the gym to escape this fat that is constricting me. I am running away from here to start a new semester of college on Saturday. I am running away from actually being an adult by joining ROTC and pretending that I won't have to make a hard choice if someone else makes it for me. I'm running from myself. I'm running from Him. I'm running from Boyfriend.
What am I running to?

He told me that if He gets a divorce from his horrible wife, He wants to be with me. He wants to be my friend. He wants to talk.
Run away.

Boyfriend is boyfriend no longer. We are technically on a 'break' but I doubt I will go back. We were about to hit our 6 months together. 6 months. That is terrifying. I don't want to be with anyone. When I tried to tell him that, he kept trying to cling to me which only made me want to run more. I can't do this.
Run away.

I've accepted the fact that I am not a good person and that I have serious issues. There is no reason why someone should want to be with me, especially while I am spinning in this tornado of emotions.

On a positive note, I bottomed out at 125 this weekend. I haven't seen that number since winter and trust me, it felt good. It was all water weight though from the alcohol. I am currently around 127.4 and in a IDGAFFFFFFFFFFFUCK mood. If I started counting everything that I ate before move-in, I'd crack. My only deal is that I have to exercise every single day and eat only healthy things that are on my green list.


Saturday, August 20, 2011

Shot to the Head

Wave of panic after wave of panic.
I hate Him. I love Him. I hate all of this emotion.
I go for almost 7 months without feeling like this.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Size 1 Jeans + Thinspo

I bought size 1 jeans from Target today. They didn't zip and I had to really fight to get them up my gross thighs. They will be my inspiration. I WILL fit into them. I belong in them. I refuse to be defeated by a few cheap pieces of fabric.


Wednesday, August 17, 2011


All I want is to sleep.
Actually, that is a lie. I don't know what I want. All I know is that this is the third night in a row in which sleep evades me. Why?
It is because HE is in town. HE, who smashed my heart into a thousand little pieces and than laughed in my face as I attempted to pick them up. HE who destroyed my innocence and at the same time, made me strong. I loved Him more than I humanely thought possible. I loved and loved and loved until I could love no more and that is when He left. He decided that I wasn't worth it. I, who had given myself completely to us was now tossed into the wind.
He is a puppeteer.
He holds me on a string that even now I can feel, almost a year since I've seen Him last.
He's married. He says He loves her (even though her nose is more like a beak and her eyes are oddly squinty and it makes me feel like screaming and also punching through a wall and strangely like I am on fire to see pictures of them). If you love someone enough to marry them, you don't cheat on them, right? Well He did. With me.
This string connecting us feels like it is choking me.
I have Boyfriend now. He makes me feel light and alive. Last time Boyfriend visited me he left a shirt and I've been sleeping with it in my arms because his scent is comforting. I'm confused.
If I say I love Boyfriend, it shouldn't mean that I think about Him? Because I do. Now that He is in town, I feel like I am constantly on edge, just waiting for something I am both excited and panicked about. What in the world am I expecting to happen? Him to beg for me to come back? He's married. It would never happen.
What might crush me more is nothing to happen.
It would mean that at last, I am forgotten.
A ghost.
Cast aside and left behind.

It is times like these that I wish I could just drug myself to sleep like I did last summer.

And it Spread


Monday, May 23, 2011


Voyage to Cythera by Charles Baudelaire

Free as a bird and joyfully my heart
Soared up among the rigging, in and out;
Under a cloudless sky the ship rolled on
Like an angel drunk with brilliant sun.

"That dark, grim island there--which would that be?"
"Cythera," we're told, "the legendary isle
Old bachelors tell stories of and smile.
There's really not much to it, you can see."

O place of many a mystic sacrament!
Archaic Aphrodite's splendid shade
Lingers above your waters like a scent
Infusing spirits with an amorous mood.

Worshipped from of old by every nation,
Myrtle-green isle, where each new bud discloses
Sighs of souls in loving adoration
Breathing like incense from a bank of roses

Or like a dove roo-cooing endlessly . . .
No; Cythera was a poor infertile rock,
A stony desert harrowed by the shriek
Of gulls. And yet there was something to see:

This was no temple deep in flowers and trees
With a young priestess moving to and fro,
Her body heated by a secret glow,
Her robe half-opening to every breeze;

But coasting nearer, close enough to land
To scatter flocks of birds as we passed by,
We saw a tall cypress-shaped thing at hand--
A triple gibbet black against the sky.

Ferocious birds, each perched on its own meal,
Were madly tearing at the thing that hung
And ripened; each, its filthy beak a drill,
Made little bleeding holes to root among.

The eyes were hollowed. Heavy guts cascading
Flowed like water halfway down the thighs;
The torturers, though gorged on these vile joys,
Had also put their beaks to use castrating

The corpse. A pack of dogs beneath its feet,
Their muzzles lifted, whirled and snapped and gnawed;
One bigger beast amidst this jealous lot
Looked like an executioner with his guard.

O Cytherean, child of this fair clime,
Silently you suffered these attacks,
Paying the penalty for whatever acts
Of infamy had kept you from a tomb.

Grotesquely dangling, somehow you brought on--
Violent as vomit rising from the chest,
Strong as a river bilious to taste--
A flow of sufferings I'd thought long gone.

Confronted with such dear remembered freight,
Poor devil, now it was my turn to feel
A panther's slavering jaws, a beak's cruel drill--
Once it was my flesh they loved to eat.

The sky was lovely, and the sea divine,
but something thick and binding like a shroud
Wrapped my heart in layers of black and blood;
Henceforth this allegory would be mine.

O Venus! On your isle what did I see
But my own image on the gallows tree?
O God, give me the strength to contemplate
My own heart, my own body without hate!

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Complaining + Thinspo

126.3 lbs this morning.
This evening has been especially hard. I am just so tired from hardly getting six hours of sleep every night this week. All I want is to say 'fuck it' and smash on some food. I know I am stronger than this. I am worth more than this.


Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Fasting Day 2

So I am on my second day of fasting. I've been doing a weird combination of water fasting and incorporating a little bit of acai tea and diet soda. So far it hasn't been too rough, mostly because there is so much going on and I think the Hydroxycut pills keep me from feeling the 'hunger pangs'.
I am definitely wanting to binge right now, though. All the food my Mom got me when she came and dropped me off at school is just staring me in the face. Just one bite. One little bowl of cereal. One sandwich. I know that if I even think about giving in, this amazing fasting journey will go completely down the drain. I don't want to go through the first day again. All I have to do is face these desires down and tell them to SHUT THE FUCK UP. Goodbye Fatty.
Sunday, 132
Today, 128.8.
Not too shabby.

I see Boyfriend this Friday and more than anything I want to blow his mind when I step off the train. He's honestly the sweetest and best boyfriend that I have ever had. We haven't exactly been taking things slow but I rationalize it by the fact that we've been talking since December. I didn't expect to feel like this so soon. I didn't expect to meet someone that accepts me.
After all the shit that has happened, it feels weird to be in a happy, normal relationship.

A part of me is scared and just waiting for him to show his dark side, just waiting for him to hurt me, waiting for him to decide that I'm not worth his time and leave like all the others.

God, please let him be different.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Dodo +Thinspo

So I realized that the instructions for my pills say "only take 4 a day, maximum!!" and I have been taking 6. Fuck.
Oh well.
It has been going okay for a few days so I am not worried too much.



Friday, January 28, 2011

New Routine

Breakfast: 2 diet pills and 40 oz of water

Lunch: 2 pills, 40 oz of water and an apple (80) or instant meal (~250)

Exercise: Burn at least 350 calories

Dinner: 2 pills, 80 oz of water and a sandwich (~700)

This is my new routine.
I am not skinny yet, but I am getting there.

127.4, bitches.