Wednesday, August 17, 2011


All I want is to sleep.
Actually, that is a lie. I don't know what I want. All I know is that this is the third night in a row in which sleep evades me. Why?
It is because HE is in town. HE, who smashed my heart into a thousand little pieces and than laughed in my face as I attempted to pick them up. HE who destroyed my innocence and at the same time, made me strong. I loved Him more than I humanely thought possible. I loved and loved and loved until I could love no more and that is when He left. He decided that I wasn't worth it. I, who had given myself completely to us was now tossed into the wind.
He is a puppeteer.
He holds me on a string that even now I can feel, almost a year since I've seen Him last.
He's married. He says He loves her (even though her nose is more like a beak and her eyes are oddly squinty and it makes me feel like screaming and also punching through a wall and strangely like I am on fire to see pictures of them). If you love someone enough to marry them, you don't cheat on them, right? Well He did. With me.
This string connecting us feels like it is choking me.
I have Boyfriend now. He makes me feel light and alive. Last time Boyfriend visited me he left a shirt and I've been sleeping with it in my arms because his scent is comforting. I'm confused.
If I say I love Boyfriend, it shouldn't mean that I think about Him? Because I do. Now that He is in town, I feel like I am constantly on edge, just waiting for something I am both excited and panicked about. What in the world am I expecting to happen? Him to beg for me to come back? He's married. It would never happen.
What might crush me more is nothing to happen.
It would mean that at last, I am forgotten.
A ghost.
Cast aside and left behind.

It is times like these that I wish I could just drug myself to sleep like I did last summer.

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