Wednesday, August 24, 2011


Running seams to define my life right now. I'm running at the gym to escape this fat that is constricting me. I am running away from here to start a new semester of college on Saturday. I am running away from actually being an adult by joining ROTC and pretending that I won't have to make a hard choice if someone else makes it for me. I'm running from myself. I'm running from Him. I'm running from Boyfriend.
What am I running to?

He told me that if He gets a divorce from his horrible wife, He wants to be with me. He wants to be my friend. He wants to talk.
Run away.

Boyfriend is boyfriend no longer. We are technically on a 'break' but I doubt I will go back. We were about to hit our 6 months together. 6 months. That is terrifying. I don't want to be with anyone. When I tried to tell him that, he kept trying to cling to me which only made me want to run more. I can't do this.
Run away.

I've accepted the fact that I am not a good person and that I have serious issues. There is no reason why someone should want to be with me, especially while I am spinning in this tornado of emotions.

On a positive note, I bottomed out at 125 this weekend. I haven't seen that number since winter and trust me, it felt good. It was all water weight though from the alcohol. I am currently around 127.4 and in a IDGAFFFFFFFFFFFUCK mood. If I started counting everything that I ate before move-in, I'd crack. My only deal is that I have to exercise every single day and eat only healthy things that are on my green list.


Saturday, August 20, 2011

Shot to the Head

Wave of panic after wave of panic.
I hate Him. I love Him. I hate all of this emotion.
I go for almost 7 months without feeling like this.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Size 1 Jeans + Thinspo

I bought size 1 jeans from Target today. They didn't zip and I had to really fight to get them up my gross thighs. They will be my inspiration. I WILL fit into them. I belong in them. I refuse to be defeated by a few cheap pieces of fabric.


Wednesday, August 17, 2011


All I want is to sleep.
Actually, that is a lie. I don't know what I want. All I know is that this is the third night in a row in which sleep evades me. Why?
It is because HE is in town. HE, who smashed my heart into a thousand little pieces and than laughed in my face as I attempted to pick them up. HE who destroyed my innocence and at the same time, made me strong. I loved Him more than I humanely thought possible. I loved and loved and loved until I could love no more and that is when He left. He decided that I wasn't worth it. I, who had given myself completely to us was now tossed into the wind.
He is a puppeteer.
He holds me on a string that even now I can feel, almost a year since I've seen Him last.
He's married. He says He loves her (even though her nose is more like a beak and her eyes are oddly squinty and it makes me feel like screaming and also punching through a wall and strangely like I am on fire to see pictures of them). If you love someone enough to marry them, you don't cheat on them, right? Well He did. With me.
This string connecting us feels like it is choking me.
I have Boyfriend now. He makes me feel light and alive. Last time Boyfriend visited me he left a shirt and I've been sleeping with it in my arms because his scent is comforting. I'm confused.
If I say I love Boyfriend, it shouldn't mean that I think about Him? Because I do. Now that He is in town, I feel like I am constantly on edge, just waiting for something I am both excited and panicked about. What in the world am I expecting to happen? Him to beg for me to come back? He's married. It would never happen.
What might crush me more is nothing to happen.
It would mean that at last, I am forgotten.
A ghost.
Cast aside and left behind.

It is times like these that I wish I could just drug myself to sleep like I did last summer.

And it Spread