September Fails

I'm not being fair to myself. By not blogging here, I am trying to pretend like this part of me does not exist. One cannot ignore a child crying for attention or a tornado approaching. One post a day starting in October. Weight check every Friday. Must. Must. MUST. Must get back on track, must take control and be who I am.
I cannot ignore myself any longer.

Rainy Tuesday

I'm lost here, in a limbo state between being okay and being not okay. I haven't quite decided which way the scales will tip. I'm terrified of the choice. It seems so final, like a gavel announcing the end of a trail. All I wanted was to be skinny. All I wanted was people to look at me and smile and be my friends.
Doomed from the start.

September 3rd, 2:41 pm

Animal crackers and peanut butter; dangerous combination of fat and carbs. I shouldn't have even opened this bag but now that I have, I can't stop.
All I've been trying to do this past week seems to not matter. No matter how much paperwork I do, or how far ahead I read in my books, when it comes time to see results, I have none.
Boyfriend took me back after three days of saying what a horrible person I am. All I wanted to do was scream 'I KNOW THIS. I'VE BEEN LIVING WITH MYSELF FOR ALMOST 21 YEARS. I KNOW HOW BAD OF A PERSON I AM'. He hasn't forgiven me fully for taking a week off our relationship and fucking HIM but maybe in time he will. If not...
128 lbs and it isn't budging on the scale.
I've been eating so much because PT has me so hungry all day long. Being hungry sucks. Good news is that starting next week, I'll be taking 19 hours and won't have time to think about food for most of the day. I gotta study. I HAVE to be perfect.