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September Fails

I'm not being fair to myself. By not blogging here, I am trying to pretend like this part of me does not exist. One cannot ignore a child crying for attention or a tornado approaching. One post a day starting in October. Weight check every Friday. Must. Must. MUST. Must get back on track, must take control and be who I am.
I cannot ignore myself any longer.

Rainy Tuesday

I'm lost here, in a limbo state between being okay and being not okay. I haven't quite decided which way the scales will tip. I'm terrified of the choice. It seems so final, like a gavel announcing the end of a trail. All I wanted was to be skinny. All I wanted was people to look at me and smile and be my friends.
Doomed from the start.

September 3rd, 2:41 pm

Animal crackers and peanut butter; dangerous combination of fat and carbs. I shouldn't have even opened this bag but now that I have, I can't stop.
All I've been trying to do this past week seems to not matter. No matter how much paperwork I do, or how far ahead I read in my books, when it comes time to see results, I have none.
Boyfriend took me back after three days of saying what a horrible person I am. All I wanted to do was scream 'I KNOW THIS. I'VE BEEN LIVING WITH MYSELF FOR ALMOST 21 YEARS. I KNOW HOW BAD OF A PERSON I AM'. He hasn't forgiven me fully for taking a week off our relationship and fucking HIM but maybe in time he will. If not...
128 lbs and it isn't budging on the scale.
I've been eating so much because PT has me so hungry all day long. Being hungry sucks. Good news is that starting next week, I'll be taking 19 hours and won't have time to think about food for most of the day. I gotta study. I HAVE to be perfect.

Running

Running seams to define my life right now. I'm running at the gym to escape this fat that is constricting me. I am running away from here to start a new semester of college on Saturday. I am running away from actually being an adult by joining ROTC and pretending that I won't have to make a hard choice if someone else makes it for me. I'm running from myself. I'm running from Him. I'm running from Boyfriend.
What am I running to?

He told me that if He gets a divorce from his horrible wife, He wants to be with me. He wants to be my friend. He wants to talk.
Run away.

Boyfriend is boyfriend no longer. We are technically on a 'break' but I doubt I will go back. We were about to hit our 6 months together. 6 months. That is terrifying. I don't want to be with anyone. When I tried to tell him that, he kept trying to cling to me which only made me want to run more. I can't do this.
Run away.

I've accepted the fact that I am not a good person and that I have serious issues. There is no reason why someone should want to be with me, especially while I am spinning in this tornado of emotions.

On a positive note, I bottomed out at 125 this weekend. I haven't seen that number since winter and trust me, it felt good. It was all water weight though from the alcohol. I am currently around 127.4 and in a IDGAFFFFFFFFFFFUCK mood. If I started counting everything that I ate before move-in, I'd crack. My only deal is that I have to exercise every single day and eat only healthy things that are on my green list.

Shot to the Head

Wave of panic after wave of panic.
I hate Him. I love Him. I hate all of this emotion.
I go for almost 7 months without feeling like this.

Size 1 Jeans + Thinspo

I bought size 1 jeans from Target today. They didn't zip and I had to really fight to get them up my gross thighs. They will be my inspiration. I WILL fit into them. I belong in them. I refuse to be defeated by a few cheap pieces of fabric.